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TheOnion

World’s Youngest Person Born

Meth addicts demand the government address the nation’s growing spider menace, K-Y introduces a new line of jam, and Prince Fielder reports to spring training exactly the right amount overweight. It’s the week of February 27th, 2012
143 sec.

Facebook To Allow Changes To Privacy Settings If Users Guess Word In Locket Worn By Mark Zuckerberg

Female friends spend a raucous night validating the living shit out of each other, an exhausted sweatshop worker just has to laugh after sewing her fingers together, and a 5-year old wants to be an overworked Haitian nanny when he grows up. It’s the week of February 20th, 2012
151 sec.

NewsBlitz: Senate Session Interrupted By Wailing Of Ted Kennedy’s Ghost

Ted Kennedy’s crying ghost disrupts Congress and a pilot crashes in the Kardashian wilderness, in today’s NewsBlitz.
162 sec.

Leaf From “Tree Of Life” Frontrunner For Best Actor Oscar

On Star Fix, entertainment insiders say this might be the year Hollywood’s favorite leaf, which has appeared in more than 60 films, finally takes home the Academy Award.
135 sec.

Boy Loses Leg In Totally Awesome Shark Attack

On Today Now!, Jim and Tracy talk to an 11-year-old who had his leg gnawed off by a cool-as-hell shark. (Aired 10/4/11)
146 sec.

Joad Cressbeckler: Immigrants Who Survive Arizona Desert Deserve Citizenship

On The Cressbeckler Stance, Joad says any Mexican who crosses the scorching-hot desert on foot has proved himself worthy of U.S. citizenship.
155 sec.

Obama Begs Voters Not To Make His Daughters Switch Schools

The Obama campaign unveils a new strategy: urging Americans to keep him in the White House so Sasha and Malia don’t have to make new friends. (Aired 11/18/11)
112 sec.

Meet The Man Inside The Nicolas Cage Costume

Star Fix has an exclusive interview with the man who has enchanted audiences for the last 30 years playing the delightfully wacky, oversized puppet of Nicolas Cage.
161 sec.

Knicks Trade Jeremy Lin For Selfish Asshole Who Plays Knicks-Style Basketball

After another bite of sour fish, Doc struggles to hold down the Jeremy Lin trade, Derrick Rose in a gurney, and the wusses on the Mariners.
162 sec.

Obama Urges Citizens To Hide Evidence Of Our Formerly Prosperous Lives From Nation’s Young Children

Movie fans demand to see new Heath Ledger performance in ‘Dark Knight Rises,’ a truly authentic Mexican restaurant is shut down immediately, and another dead body is tossed on a heap somewhere. It’s the week of February 13, 2012.
165 sec.

In The Know Panel Analyzes Obama’s Furious, Profanity-Filled Rant At Nation

In a special post-speech analysis, panelists discuss what America did to make President Obama so angry he was actually spitting while he yelled at us.
174 sec.

GOP Introduces New “Mystery Candidate” With Paper Bag Over Head

Republicans will reveal the identity of the Mystery Candidate only after he, or she, wins the election. (Aired 11/18/11)
115 sec.

Poll Reveals GOP Nomination Now Two-Way Race Between Mitt Romney, Total Voter Apathy

The FDA urges Americans to check out a really weird-looking potato, a suitcase looks forward all year to the carousel ride, and Syria is running dangerously low on citizens to oppress. It’s the week of January 30th, 2012.
191 sec.

Tyler Perry Expands His Fan Base With New Films About Sassy, Chinese Grandmother

Tyler Perry has signed a $50 million deal to expand his franchise to include films targeted at the world’s 1.4 billion Chinese moviegoers.
109 sec.

Brain-Dead Teen, Only Capable Of Rolling Eyes And Texting, To Be Euthanized

The parents of 13-year old Caitlin Teagart have decided to end her life, saying she can now do nothing but lay on the couch and whine about things being “gay.”
190 sec.

Eli Manning Asks Dad If He Can Stop Playing Football Now

Eli Manning wins the Super Bowl, but not his freedom from football. It’s a special GOOMF Blast!
58 sec.

Cocky Giants’ D Reveals Game Plan That They Will Try And Tackle Tom Brady

News is breaking all over Indy as the Giants reveal their plans to tackle Tom Brady, Belichick rallies the troops with genital mutilation, and Peyton Manning gets over the Colts with some casual football.
156 sec.

Dead Wife And Kids Replaced By Miniature Horses

Jim and Tracy partner with the “Bridles of Hope” charity to replace the wife Don Groton lost to a drunk driver with a beautiful miniature horse.
170 sec.

2011 In Review: Nation Shocked To Find Out Elizabeth Taylor Wasn’t Already Dead

As part of the 2011 Year In Review, Tucker remembers Elizabeth Taylor, Amy Winehouse, and Randy Savage. (Aired 12/9/11)
64 sec.

Jay-Z Fans Brace Themselves For Onslaught Of Horrible Odes To Baby

Following the news of Beyonce’s pregnancy, Jay-Z fans are bracing for a slew of unbearable songs about the importance of being a dad. (Aired 10/11/11)
97 sec.

Football Fans Excited To Watch Patriots Or Giants Lose Super Bowl

Reggie tries not to agree with Doc as they discuss the soon-to-be Super Bowl losers, who the hell Marco Scutaro is, and Tom Coughlin’s impending death at the hands of Bill Belichick.
161 sec.

Embarrassed Steven Chu Accidentally Calls Barack Obama ‘Dad’ In Cabinet Meeting

A new law prohibits Kaleidoscoping while driving, Joe Biden advertises guitar lessons on the White House bulletin board, and Romneymania sweeps the nation. It’s the week of January 23rd, 2012.
211 sec.

2011 Top Story: One Of Arizona’s Many Crazed Gunmen Shoots Congresswoman

In a top story from 2011, member of Congress Gabby Giffords was injured in one of the hundreds of shootings that occur every day in Arizona. (Aired 12/9/11)
66 sec.

2011 Top Story: Queen Beds Kate Middleton In Royal Tradition

In a major 2011 story, Queen Elizabeth claimed her sovereign right to deflower Kate Middleton immediately following the royal wedding. (Aired 12/9/11)
63 sec.

Did Media Treat Bachmann Unfairly Because She’s An Insane Woman

The First Responders debate whether the media is harder on Michele Bachmann because she is a woman who is crazy. (Aired 11/1/11)
125 sec.